Story Help

[Sithis]

I got bored and want to create a story in my free time, I'm young so I don't know everything so I'm not the best writer *yet*. If anyone wants to give HELPFUL feedback and suggestions it would be appreciated. I know I'm probably a horrible writer, so if it's bad please just tell me so I know.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qLd5PH16CLLiJpCvDwt78Dqxffp592wgcWLKHQF48zE/pub

Oh and, this is only the first part of course, I'm showing the first chunk before I write the whole thing so I know if I should keep writing it or not and so I can get some feedback before I write all of it.

[Lone Wanderer <??"?]

My first bit of advice to you would be to remove the first paragraph. Asking the reader that many questions is a bit too much. If you're going to have that kind of approach, shorten it to a few sentences, or throw in some third person references and filler details in there. As for the second paragraph, well, it's rather depressing. A little bit /too/ depressing, as in making me not want to read anymore as I went on. Going with that dark of an approach all in a single paragraph can really turn off a reader, and a fair amount of people may want to stop reading at that point. As for overall feedback, the writing style is a bit off for me. Now, it may just be me, but that kind of writing is rather amateurish. I used to write that way, but have found that a more third person style of writing attracts readers more. What I'm getting at is, it sounds like you're narrating the story, and the author shouldn't really do that unless it's a biography. Try adding more of a removed sense to your narration. Give detail, develop what you're saying, and avoid personal references if possible. That's just my little bit.

But it's good that you're acting on your desire to write, but don't call yourself horrible. It takes practice and figuring out what works best for you. Try getting into a rythym when writing, whether there's a certain space, kind of music, or maybe a kind of thought process. Also know that it's normal to want to go back and re-write or edit things, as it's rare you'll get it exactly the way you want it the first time.

[Doctor Nice roButt]

I agree that it sounds a tad childish. First person writing can be good, but it's really hard to pull off. That doesn't mean not to try it, it is just more difficult than
Also, spending the whole first paragraph explaining a bunch if characters isn't the best of ideas the reader will skim over it and then forget. Instead, introduce characters as they come along and mention pieces of their connection to the narrator.

Edit: Something to note, don't assume what the reader is thinking. With some of the comments and questions the character made, it sounded like he was telling the reader what they're suppose to be doing. If you're going to address the reader, make sure you're not commanding them are acting as if you know them.

Edit edit: another thing, the last part says "now it gets interesting." I would take that out. It's like if you're showing a friend a youtube video and you keep pausing to tell him that a funny part is coming up. Not very fun. It also ruins any build up or suspense.

Editeditedit: sorry, I keep thinking of things. If you're going to stick to first person under the assumption this is a book or memoir he's writing, consider the situation the narrator is in while he is writing it. Is he in danger? What is he feeling right then? Obviously he didn't write it in a span of five minutes, so the situation and his emotions might change throughout the story. During stressful times, he might leave out unnessasary details. Also think about his personality and how we would actually write. Would he ask all those questions at the beginning? Would he tell everything about the beginning of his life? Just some things to consider.

[BrandonSmith]

Here's what I've got to suggest

- Rename Johnny and Samantha, you want memorable names for your characters.

My two best friends were Johnny and Samantha.

- Open up the online http://thesaurus.com/ and replace some of those generic 'bad' and 'good' adjectives that more accurately describe things.

A good thing was that I could do...

- General clean up, make the second half more appealing to the eyes for people to read.