<:: - 777 Personal Log - ::>

[Mr.Qman]

UNIT:777
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<::|| Alright, it's time I start using an old type of theropy of sorts to help myself. I'll start off by assessing my feelings. I'm frusterated, misunderstood, timid, and almost saddened by things. The main problem is with SCYTHE really, I have no units and I have so much planned. It shouldn't get to me but it does, I guess i'm impatient? The thing I invision in SCYTHE is us sitting in a room, laughing and making snarky jokes at each other, being friends. See the thing I want to do is, I want to keep my personallity, I want to uphold my professionalism but still be me, not a blind union saluting nitwit. I've seen good people dissapear by doing that, don't get me wrong, they do their job correctly and very well but, they just lose so much, it saddens me.
 SCYTHE I have lots in store for, but I hear so much that it'll be pointless because of OTA and such. The first thing I want to do in SCYTHE is when I see my units, I want to tell them that there is no need to be tense, super soldier and professionalism 24/7. I want them to go into battle as a friend, so the last thing I see is a friend, not some person I practically bullied around. Of course I'll be professional when I need to be, but I want them to respect me. They can salute my rank, not the person.
The next thing would be fitness tests, I expect them to be fit enough to tackle an elephant. So i'll be really working with tough exersises and diets and such. But like usual, things are boring. But today, I got a wakeup call. Today the me 350, 270, and another unit initiated rations. I was booth two, 350 was booth one.
The booth exploded, someone snuck it a deadly explosive, I was covered and punctured in shrapnel, burned some by the gas from exposure. I hauled 350's torn and obliterated body outside the RTD. Giving him some respect as he died, doing his like directive. it may seem cheesy I guess, but god fucking dammit why do we treat them like trash after death? I could've stopped it, I could've saved him. But I didn't because I froze, I choked.
Me, a captain and officer, I froze up and he died, his death is written on my hands. I dragged him out, sobbing under my mask blaming the gas, as I sat down bleeding so much. I was hauled back in, but 270 denounced the dead unit, I tore a piece of his armband to remember the feeling for later on in operations. The feeling of a burden of a death that you can prevent. When I go out there I know people's lives will be on my shoulders, if they die i'll destroy something like I did with the Sosciostability Room.
 I wanted to remember the feeling of a burden of death, so I can remind myself before every battle how people can die doing their jobs to the fullest as much as they can, then be called trash. Like a used up rag, when I first was a recruit i've seen other units do this as well. They choked up on killing someone, we all talk big game i'm sure but are we really that much of a monster to dig needles under fingernails? I was depressed I often went 10-7 hid in the bathroom tubs and wrote away my feelings, crying like the little girl I really am inside. I may look like I can do the best things I can, but i'm so misunderstood, i'm a little girl behind all this armor padding and weaponry. I don't see myself born stone-cold for a long time, because I plan to keep my personality and humanity and not salute the CCA blindly without reflecting on deaths and honor first. I was opperated on by a new friend, so I don't have to just sit in the back of my room and draw things, I have someone to talk to. But 017 one of my best friends, the snarkiness was horrible.
I never wanted to inflict a punch upon a fellow unit that badly ever. Not like i'd do that, but jeez such petty compliments, sometimes I think of her as a narsaciistic manager. She does her job very well, but....I don't know, it's something I would have to reflect on. I don't have friends, a unit doesn't get them often. When they get them, things turn for the worst. Today I saw a unit die, blood spilled along the wall, me, and the floor. I carried him out, and I believe I carried the last bit of respect he was ever shown after that. I must remember the feeling of losing something you can protect, it'll keep people alive.||::>

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