Catalyst Gaming

General => Creations => Topic started by: Jddjsmxmcnxnnd on July 30, 2012, 11:28:25 PM

Title: 45. -Chapter One-
Post by: Jddjsmxmcnxnnd on July 30, 2012, 11:28:25 PM

Null

Title: Re: 45. -Chapter One-
Post by: Statua on July 31, 2012, 01:00:49 AM

The story is alright. Its more of a scene then a chapter, nonetheless it has some potential. Your main character seems a bit dry though. He (or she) needs something more... Some emotions, a mental state, flaws. Another thing, the girl screamed so they shot her but when you attacked the intruders, they just 'tazed' you? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. One more thing. Seeing how its in 1st person, your character doesn't KNOW they were startled, he can only assume they were.

Also, spelling and grammar. PLEASE don't forget this.

Lets see some more scenes!

Title: Re: 45. -Chapter One-
Post by: Doctor Nice roButt on August 02, 2012, 07:59:05 PM

I recommend using more compound and complex sentences. The flow was way to choppy, and you started your sentence with "I" way too much.

Title: Re: 45. -Chapter One-
Post by: Art. on August 02, 2012, 09:44:30 PM

Very good chapter! Please continue this!