Author Topic: Hitmen (Series Unidentified)  (Read 2121 times)

Offline crazily farting teacher

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Hitmen (Series Unidentified)
« on: September 23, 2012, 11:20:28 PM »
                                                                                                  Heroes
                                                                                                                    Investigate
                                                                                                                    Terrorism
                                                                                                                  MEN

                                                                               
                                                                                         

                            The Rise of the Silence


 8:00 PM, 11-19-2017
Somewhere in a helicopter, hovering above the city.

 The man struggled, pulling his arms out from each other, attempting to break out of his rope binds. The helicopter filled with the smell of gas. There were two pilots in the front seat. A man holding a gun in his hand looking out the helicopter glanced back at the man in the binds every 3 minutes. The man in the binds was very dirty. He looked 24, despite his dirty, greasy, and long hair and facial appearance. His face was what looked to be like a huge brute had punched it a dozen amount of times. The man's clothes were ripped up. He wore a white dirty t-shirt with a faint reebok logo on the front. He wore plain denim jeans, ripped up to look like shorts. He wore a pair of white, muddy nikes. His arms were cut and horribly bruised, along with his legs.

 The man began to talk whilst in the middle of struggling out of the binds, "How- how much farther until w-w-we arrive?". The man with the gun whipped around and stared the man in the binds coldly in the eyes. The guard inched over the the man in the binds. Once he was as close enough as possible he bent over to speak in the man's ear. The man in the binds stalled for a minute, letting him get closer, then made his move.

 The man in the binds jumped up and lifted his shoulder while jumping up from the low bench. He hit the guard in the face with his shoulder. knocking the guard back and over onto his back, dropping his gun. The man in the binds gave one last second of struggle, finally ripping and breaking his rope binds. The guard's gun wobbled over the edge of the helicopter. The helicopter had a pretty nice space in the back, enough space for a few large crates to be put in just to fill the whole thing. The man stood up from the bench and looked down at the guard on the ground.

 Of course the pilots were oblivious to the situation in the back. Adding that they were wearing headphones to hear COM/radio chatter during the movement over the city, also causing a lot of radio frequency stress due to moving from frequency to frequency. The guard began to get up as he watched the man kick his gun off the edge of the helicopter. The man flipped onto the outside of the helicopter, hanging onto the grappling rail on the top of the entry edge. Also with a grappling/sitting rail under him, sometimes used for mounting machine guns/turrets to fire with.

 The guard sprinted at the man  to tackle him and throw the man and himself off the edge and onto the rack hard, solid, dirty, and cement streets and sidewalks. The man let go of the top rail and fell. With perfect timing the guard sprinted and accidently jumped for the 'no longer there' man. The guard's facial expression and emotion instantly snapped to a surprised, shocked, and horrified face. As he jumped out he looked down, the man was hanging on the bottom rail, looking up at the flying guard in fear and surprise. The guard front flipped in midair and looked down at his upcoming death.

 The man grabbed a few things: weapons, food, backpacks with stuff in them, ect. The man put on a parachute  and flipped out of the helicopter. Soon he pulled a string and a parachute came out. He gently glided over the corpse on the sidewalk and onto a pole. He held two backpacks in his hands, weighing him down and bringing him in very fast.

 The man dropped down from the pole. He got back and ran off into the darkness. Soon enough he sat down and took out a piece of paper and a flashlight. He sat in a wet, dark, and smelly alleyway. He took out a pencil and began to write down a letter to a unknown person at the time.



                               
 Saturday
 November 19th, 2017
 Adam Ste-


ERROR
ERROR
ABORTING BACKSTORY
ERROR
ERROR

Relocating files...
Finding solutions...
Downloading backstory...


(Come back on the 1st of October to read the rest)




(Music, pictures, credits, ect.)

Music:
Spoiler for Hiden:
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl7t4c4pwxM" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl7t4c4pwxM</a>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ME3cwWHdoo" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ME3cwWHdoo</a>

Pictures:
Spoiler for Hiden:
Adam/man in binds:
Guard:
Pilots:

Credits: Me for the writing
Youtube for the music
Google/SpeedCap for pictures
« Last Edit: September 26, 2012, 04:37:41 PM by Just a Panda »

Offline crazily farting teacher

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Re: Hitmen (Series Unidentified)
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2012, 04:36:29 PM »
EDIT: I have changed the date of when which day I will put up the second part

The Mysterious Stranger

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Re: Hitmen (Series Unidentified)
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2012, 08:24:04 PM »
EDIT: I have changed the date of when which day I will put up the second part

 What makes this story so boring is that you sight the same word over and over. I don't even bother reading it due to the boredom that comes right at me, thus allowing me to just go onto another story.

Offline Dallas

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Re: Hitmen (Series Unidentified)
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2012, 01:59:39 PM »
What makes this story so boring is that you sight the same word over and over. I don't even bother reading it due to the boredom that comes right at me, thus allowing me to just go onto another story.

Pretty much this, invest in a thesaurus and come up with alternatives to these common words.

Also: Try to put some more depth to the characters to make them more interesting, make them something we could actually care about when they are fighting something, about the action; (imo) sentences for action are short, fast and to the point. Do not describe a piece of scenery more than an actual action development, this tends to bring the reader out of the action. 

This is also kinda generic... Sorry. I mean this type of thing has been done countless times before and the pics you included dig it into cliche. Last thing; doesn't the word "Hitman" imply one is simply a gun for hire rather than a counter-terrorist group.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2012, 02:54:52 PM by The Doctor »

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