Something I came across which is moving, easy to understand, and something you can work with. Take the time to read it some time.
Every person is a colour in this world. Shade that defines us, our personality.This colour analogy I came up with is from the things I love. I love to use and mix colours. Although you can get away with making beautiful pictures, you still have to clean the brush or it stains. Like pain the colours soak into our hearts and we are losing hope. That's why I wanna let people hear this, to give them hope. We all have traits, we all have different situations and negative impacts are like water, fading you out. Look around you, you all have colours. We know those people who are happy and very charismatic, they are shades of green. We also know people who can tend to be quiet and separated from the world, they are shades of blue. The possibilities span out from that you traits define your colour. Now your colour you hold with you, is going to change. It can change colour and it can be watered down to nothing. Think for a moment think of a colour that you would like to be, I bet you chose the one that you sought best for you. If I could choose any colour I would love to be a shade of green, to be happy.
Now I know this is about to take a turn for the worst. I believe when peoples colours fade so do their hopes for living, they contemplate suicide and wait day after day for the courage to go through it. For the longest time they dull their colour down to nothing but water and finally this stay for the worse. The people that loved them, their colour starts to fade too. Now I'm sure you've heard story after story and your sick about hearing about suicide. But why cover your ears and let other people yet egged on about being upset with life. You struggle to get up everyday, you struggle to look in the mirror, and maybe you struggle to fit in, to not take another pill. In the end you struggle, everyday and yes its hard and it sucks. Now you maybe saying. "What the derp! You've never been depressed, you have no idea what is it like."
Well I do, Now when I was born they called me a ball of sunshine, I loved to sing and run around the house playing with Hot Wheels, sticking sandwiches in he VCR. I was a florescent ball of Yellow. Bright and loving. Now My parents separated and my colour dulled a bit, I was now a slightly less brighter child. Now when I got to this town I was already a lukewarm yellow, like yellow with no effort. Things were great, I had made new friends and even enemies! I had a new place to try to change my colour to be a new person. So I lied. I damaged my colour with lies, it has turned into this gross brown yellow colour. I was teased in school a lot after I starting dying my hair, I was told once: "You used to be pretty, now your just gross." Gross.. I dyed my hair to a red and now I was gross.
I know this sound kind of dramatic and believe me I am a drama queen sometimes. But that day I went home and cut off a lot of my hair, I was upset. People thought I was ugly and it effected me. They didn't know it, they didn't know how much it effected me. Now once I entered high school, I had let my colour fade even more. I started to use drugs, because I wanted my best friend to like me. I wanted her to choose me over her boyfriend, but it never happened. It seems I had grown to love materialistic things, I want money for more substances. I would sell my sisters jewelry for exchange for drugs. I met this girl, now I'm pretty sure you might know whom I'm gonna talk about. I wont use her name though. I met her the March of 9th grade in English class. I believe she was a magenta shade, it was pretty faded at the time. We became best friends, and her colour got more vibrant. I wanted to get vibrant, but the struggle against the cravings never left, but I put up my first wall. I never let her see me in that way in fear she would dull. I cared more about her happiness then anything. I wanted her to succeed.
By 10th grade I had been able to pull off this act of hiding my addictions from everyone. Now as people saw me, I was different on the exterior the outside was unphased and I smiled, while sadness bubbled like water in my stomach. No one once asked me for help with it, which the the case was a good thing. I started to think that dating multiple guys would help make my life better, not at all. I started dating my drug dealer, not a good Idea. His colour was blue, a light blue that was tainted with a dark ring of grime. Not the best idea for me I guess.I pushed myself, I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be accepted and all I had was stilt legs and fat genes from a ungrateful father. You see, I had wrapped myself up in it all, I caked on make up and I starved myself until I found myself trying to get off with everything possible to get more substance. But it was just another phase in my life I needed to get over and done with. That Christmas the Christmas of 2010 Things in me changed. I had this best friend That I wasn't being honest to, and I wanted to change. I enrolled myself into foster care. I call it "Rehab" now.
The people were amazing, the friendliness was almost sickening but it felt right. I soon enough was able to talk about myself and be myself. I had also met my girlfriend there. She was probably the second reason why I tried so hard to kick the feelings of diving head first into a pit of needles. And If I ever see her again I'll thank her for loving me despite my hair colour at the time. After 8 months of "rehab" and I think 13 different hair colours I was home and happy. My mother was pleased and even my little brother was happy to have his "Dura" back. Things were great, the colour had turned back to yellow, just your plain average Jaune.(french pun) But it seems during the time I was spending to myself I had put up walls around me, I pushed my best friend off the chart and most of my friends too.
I can't tell you I didn't think about it, I would be lying if I said that. I tried, and I tried I begged "god" to kill me a lot during my journey. I eventually ended up to the state of melted butter, I had lukewarm feelings of living. I kept eyeing up the tree in the back yard, I walked around it everyday for months planning how I would hang myself. I collected rope and re-wrote my suicide letter everyday adding more regrets and more dark secrets. I would scar my thighs and take more pills then I should but I never was granted that wish. I am glad I didn't. Your colours are you, you can make em as bright as you want. Let everyone see! Or you can dull it to the bone, let what others say to you bother you. When Honestly when does anything they say bother you. What makes us different. Our personality, but if you are all covered with thoughts of drugs or hurting yourself it's like your covered in band aids. People can set a feeling off like the rip of a band aid being pulled off quickly. Don't let it sting longer then you need it too.
Sure maybe your style is different from theirs maybe your dreams are harder to achieve, Maybe your fears are not placed in front of you but you like to chase them. It's your colour, its your shade of life that you can effect. And If you let someone else dip their brush in your colour, your gonna end up with a mess. So when you get teased or if something goes wrong at home and you want to just die think for a minute. "When Did I Let what others say matter?" When did you think everyone is allowed to have a opinion on you and what you wanna strive for. So what if your not model skinny, so what if you're gay. So what if you are loud and wanna scream words from the roof tops. Its who you are, don't change it, don't mix your colour trying to become someone your not. If you ever feel suicidal, If you ever feel Ugly if you ever feel alone in the world Stand up.
Look around you, these people are hurting. These people are feeling the same way as you. Their colours are dull they want them to explode. Ya'll can sit down now.
Think about the memories that made your colour brighter, think about the people who you will effect by committing suicide. If you right now are thinking, No one will then I'll smack yea. I know of this girl, a friend of mines ex girlfriend. She used to say "When I die no one is gonna come to my funeral." You know what, when that girl took her life, the funeral hall couldn't hold enough people. The balconies were Pactd and they had One minute to say goodbye, now that took all day. So next time your down, next time you think your too fat or ugly to get anywhere, think of the colour in your heart the colour you are going to become in the end, the vibrancy. Because that is your soul, your reason to live, to inspire others with your struggles to push forth your dreams.
Let me challenge you . Go one day without using, or self harm. Then the day after let me challenge you again, go two days. Now after those three days decide if you wanna challenge me, I'll put my happiness on the line, you put those feelings. And If I win, smile. Let the world know you won against the troubles. To walk this road with me, to stand here beside me and let the world know you're happy, or maybe that your struggling with the challenge I'm sure if you ask someone will lend you a hand, an ear and If they're not afraid of people; a hug. Now if I dont inspire you to change, fine then. But if you ever think about being alone, ever feel like maybe your alone against the works and you want to just fall off the face of the earth. Think about cats, no just kidding. Think about the people around you, how they are gonna react when you push your feelings their way. Trust me, if your parents or siblings or boyfriend/girlfriend, or cat will wrap their arms and paws around you and accept you. And if they don't, I'll send chuck Norris on their tail.
~Anonymous
Garry's Mod
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