Character Deaths and Taking a Break

[Doctor Nice roButt]

Just a warning, this post is long. If you don't feel like reading it all, you can skip to the second to last paragraph or just ignore it.

I created Vincent as a joke character. All my friends were begging me to go on Outlands, which I had no interest in doing. I eventually caved in and made Vincent Kay, some pretty boy character that had no reason in being in the Outland. When I met my first person, all of a sudden my brain told me "lets be a huge dick to this person." So, seeing how I wasn't taking OL seriously anyway, I made Vincent be a huge dick. To them, and to others, and to anyone else he met. Ten minutes in he already had enough guns pointed at him and death threats to be considered a dead man. Nobody liked him
I laughed, it was funny. I told myself he was going to die. Soon, most likely. And time passed and I kept saying that I was surprised he lasted ten minutes in the first place.
And he kept living.
And I kept saying he was going to die.

As I started to play with him, I grew attached to him. He could vent out any rage or feelings or sarcasm I had. And he stated meeting people and forming the starts of either good or bad relationships. So I started developing him.
And he kept living.
And I kept saying he was going to die.

Out of nowhere, Vincent became an actual character. I gave him a vague backstory and different sides to his personality and a somewhat legitimate reason for his dickishness. He made friends and enemies and a lover. He got beat up, and I used that to develop him more. He was questioned and broken and threatened, and I used that as well. And with time, he became a unique, three-dimensional character. His backstory wasn't vague anymore, and he had actual relationships with characters. He wasn't like everyone else. He wasn't a gun slinger or a white knight or a dark knight. He was just Vincent. Most everyone saw him as some gay douchebag who couldn't keep his mouth shut. Some tolerated him, some hated him, and some even liked him. If you peeled him apart, he had a reason for everything. He wasn't just being a dick to be a dick, although sometimes he was.But he was still a dick. And people still hated him and threatened him.
And he kept living.
And I said to myself that he was probably going to die.

Vincent was going to die. I told myself that. He was a dick. He had guns pointed at him. He was shot and beaten. His arm was tore off, his leg was tore off. He put himself into situations where he'd probably get himself killed.
And he kept living
And I forgot to tell myself that he was going to die.

And then he died.
And I forgot. I forgot to tell myself that this character was made to die. The only outcome of his story was some sort of premature death. He wasn't a glorious person. He was just a dick that everyone hated. Every moment that I thought he was surely going to die, in the back of my head a small voice said that he could still survive. And he did. He kept surviving for no reason. And that voice was louder than the voice that told me he was going to die.
So when he died, it hit me hard.

I'm a sensitive person. I cry at movies. I care for people even if I don't know them. When my fish dies, I get depressed and cry. So when Vincent died, I cried hard. He was dead forever. He shared the same fate as 911. But he was more to me than 911. I loved Cassie deeply, but she was under developed and was going nowhere. I cried for all the time and emotion I put in here, all of the relationships she made.
But Vincent was different. I developed him. He was always changing, always growing. And he was there to cushion me when 911 died. He was a character I could go on to forget about her, just like everyone else forgot about her. And I made Elizabeth to replace 911. But Elizabeth is new and not developed enough because she is so new. So I have had no cushions when Vincent died. He hit me raw and tore me up. Even though it doesn't seem like it, each of my character shares a piece of me, even if it is small. So when they die, I feel that piece tear itself from me. It's still there; it will still heal, but it's like a deep wound in me.

And then I kept telling myself that Vincent wasn't dead forever. I joked that a vortigaunt could revive him. Then others did. Then I started to believe it. Vincent could come back, I could heal that wound again. I didn't have to be sad. And people offered, probably joking, that they would revive him. And I joked with them, but I secretly hoped they would. And then reality kicked in. One of those people told me the hard fact. Vincent wasn't coming back. Even if he did, he'd probably suffer brain damage. Vincent was dead forever.
But people still hanged that carrot in front of me, saying that someone cold revive him. And I started thinking I wouldn't mind if he was a bit broken.
I just wanted him back.

But he's not coming back, he's dead.
He's not a real person; he doesn't exist. Many wont understand why I'm so upset that he's dead, even after reading this. All that time and emotion I put into him is gone. All those memories are now useless. He doesn't exist anymore. Soon, everyone will forget him. He'll just be a though when the name is mentioned. "Oh, I remember him."
Everyone's characters die. Some take it differently. I probably take is worse then I should, but I can't help it. I'll tell self he's just a character. Just some story from a game. It never helps.

I don't want to feel that way again. I know I'll come back. I love creating characters and playing them and developing them and interacting with others. But two character deaths within a month of eachother is too much for me.

So I'm going to take a break. I'm not sure how long it will last. You'll see me around the forums and I'll be on steam, but you won't see me on City or Outlands. I apologize to players that have characters that know or are connected with Elizabeth. I hope you'll understand. But, for now, I'll be keeping away for, the roleplay. I just don't feel like repeating the cycle again and digging up those feelings.

Sorry that the post was so long. I'm sure many of you skipped over it; I don't mind. I just needed to get my feelings out.

[Lone Wanderer <??"?]

I had a rant written out, but there's no point. I just don't feel like arguing anymore, as it's gone to far to even matter at this point. I guess all I'm going to say is I'm taking a break as well. Outlands has become a clusterfuck, and I see no point in trying to develop a character there. I see the only outcome to conflict at this point beng death, so why even bother developing a character if you're just going to die?

And on the whole connection to characters thing, I'm having similar issues. The moment I caught wind of what was actually going on, I got the worst feeling in my stomach. Felt the same thing before Hood died, felt the same thing before my first unit died as well. It's a really shitty feeling, and it's even worse knowing it's a no win scenario. So yeah, after this whole ordeal with Alisa comes to a close, whether it be positive for me or the likely oucome, I'm taking a break from HL2RP.

 

[Atticat]

Will miss ya Toxic. Seemed like I always ran into you when I rp'd and you always made it a good time.

[Yak]

you admitted to being a spy, what do you expect

[raged]

I had a rant written out, but there's no point. I just don't feel like arguing anymore, as it's gone to far to even matter at this point. I guess all I'm going to say is I'm taking a break as well. Outlands has become a clusterfuck, and I see no point in trying to develop a character there. I see the only outcome to conflict at this point beng death, so why even bother developing a character if you're just going to die?

And on the whole connection to characters thing, I'm having similar issues. The moment I caught wind of what was actually going on, I got the worst feeling in my stomach. Felt the same thing before Hood died, felt the same thing before my first unit died as well. It's a really shitty feeling, and it's even worse knowing it's a no win scenario. So yeah, after this whole ordeal with Alisa comes to a close, whether it be positive for me or the likely oucome, I'm taking a break from HL2RP.

its funny when you said you wouldn't pull a molly

[Lone Wanderer <??"?]

A) I never said I was a spy lol. That was Rex who said that, not me. I also think Vincent said something along the lines of telling OTA a frequency, but he saved a ton of people in town for doing so -.-

B) I'm taking a break independent of what's going on with my character. I know the reason why she's where she is right now, and it makes some sense at least. But combining that with the fact that OL is a mess right now, I'm not going to go on any of my characters until this  issue's gone.

[Yak]

A) I never said I was a spy lol. That was Rex who said that, not me. I also think Vincent said something along the lines of telling OTA a frequency, but he saved a ton of people in town for doing so -.-

B) I'm taking a break independent of what's going on with my character. I know the reason why she's where she is right now, and it makes some sense at least. But combining that with the fact that OL is a mess right now, I'm not going to go on any of my characters until this  issue's gone.

Vince admitted to being a spy not u
is the issue the fact its possible you can die now because the ppl the whiteknights would ignore made their own group

[The Doctor, RIP Juggernaut]

A) I never said I was a spy lol. That was Rex who said that, not me. I also think Vincent said something along the lines of telling OTA a frequency, but he saved a ton of people in town for doing so -.-

B) I'm taking a break independent of what's going on with my character. I know the reason why she's where she is right now, and it makes some sense at least. But combining that with the fact that OL is a mess right now, I'm not going to go on any of my characters until this  issue's gone.

Vince admitted to being a spy not u
is the issue the fact its possible you can die now because the ppl the whiteknights would ignore made their own group

The issue really is it seems that the white knights and Older players seem to be getting targeted.

[Sexy Frog]

A) I never said I was a spy lol. That was Rex who said that, not me. I also think Vincent said something along the lines of telling OTA a frequency, but he saved a ton of people in town for doing so -.-

B) I'm taking a break independent of what's going on with my character. I know the reason why she's where she is right now, and it makes some sense at least. But combining that with the fact that OL is a mess right now, I'm not going to go on any of my characters until this  issue's gone.

Vince admitted to being a spy not u
is the issue the fact its possible you can die now because the ppl the whiteknights would ignore made their own group

The issue really is it seems that the white knights and Older players seem to be getting targeted.

White Knight/Oldies aren't being targeted for the sake of them being Old. That'd be dumb. But consequently because the casualty list is composed of Oldies it seems that way. In actuality, those who have been eliminated posed a threat to greater interests. Due to them being old, they had a lot of influence and the most resources to put down any sort of bandit organization without much effort, therefore placing them at the top of the hit list. That's my personal rationalization for it anyways.

But on another note, I really hope you feel better Toxic. I know how it feels like everyone else does who has played on the servers. Time does heal all wounds and this, I hope will be something you will recover from and come back twice as strong with even better character ideas that will shadow Cassie and Vincent. Even if Elizabeth is knew, she still a piece of you l, as you said. I hope you feel better soon, cause like, you're one of my best online friends, yo.

[Statua]

Toxic, don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that the death of a character hit you so hard that it caused an emotional reaction means your ability to immerse and connect with your own characters is extraordinary. Immersion and 'feeling' your character is one of the hardest things to do in RP and if you can do that, I tip my hat to you for being such an excellent roleplayer.

Don't think of it as a loss really. Think of it as a memory and experience for a new beginning. Take the things you learned from playing Vincent and use them to help you with a new character. Its like making a map. You make a nice shiny map but it has some problems you dont really notice, or are too far into the project to fix. You take those problems and use them to make your next map better. And so on.


On another note;

Outlands has become a clusterfuck, and I see no point in trying to develop a character there. I see the only outcome to conflict at this point beng death, so why even bother developing a character if you're just going to die?

Looks like its times to fix shit on outlands again. Everyone with characters who are causing problems, be warned. You may not have them for much longer if you cannot control yourselves.

[Dallas]

Looks like its times to fix shit on outlands again. Everyone with characters who are causing problems, be warned. You may not have them for much longer if you cannot control yourselves.

Is that an OOC threat to discourage IC actions?

Also, Toxic, at least you took it graciously which is a very nice thing to see. You didn't spill it over the LOOC and OOC and then out onto the forums and steam chat so for that I commend you.

[Sexy Frog]

On another note;

Outlands has become a clusterfuck, and I see no point in trying to develop a character there. I see the only outcome to conflict at this point beng death, so why even bother developing a character if you're just going to die?

Looks like its times to fix shit on outlands again. Everyone with characters who are causing problems, be warned. You may not have them for much longer if you cannot control yourselves.

I really hope you plan on backing this threat up ICly. Because I really don't see nor agree with this being dealt with OOCly. Im all for you trying to fix it, but do it in game.

[Statua]

It wasn't a threat it was a generalized warning that certain actions will be only tolerated to an extent. And it wasn't directed at anyone either as not even I know for sure who's characters are causing problems. But I know they exist.

Back on topic. There's another thread for that discussion if you wish to continue on it.

[Elions]

I think the problem isn't that people are being targeted or not, the issue with character deaths (ANY character's death for that matter) is that many a times people do grow a liking to those characters, a connection much alike the one Zombie formed to Vincent, and we want to give these characters a decent "end" to their stories. Sometimes that's their impending death wether at the hands of someone else or themselves, sometimes it's by "retiring" from the pass peacefully, but more often than not people want to kill and have a PK to their character's name, almost as if it was a trophy to display the disruption it does to someone else's character.

I think we're all well aware these aren't "real" people but it's certainely someone else's time, work and sometimes enjoyment embodied in the character, and ending it permanently for "supplies" can be harsh if not unneeded 90% of the time. Besides the fact we're not that many people in this server at the moment, and permanently killing characters can cause somewhat of an imbalance.

[Statua]

I agree that these deep story characters shouldn't be simply PK'd by a mere 2 dimensional roleplay of 'i kil u. give me ur stuff and go' This isn't the first time this has happened. Everyone remember Beans? Yeah...