“Alright so there’s this Chinese guy right?” Thad said looking over across the cup holders and hand brake of the nearly destroyed van.
Kyle, smiling returns his gaze, “Right”
“And he walks into this bar and a porch monkey is bartending, so as amused by this black man’s business as we would be the Chinese man walks up there and is all like ‘Hey nigger, get me a drink’.
“Now obviously, the nigger is offended and he expresses this by replying ‘Hey man, fuck you, what if I walked into your bar and said that to you?’ the Chinese man replies ‘I don’t know, lets find out’ so they switch places and the Chinese guy is bartending while the nigger wants a drink. The nigger walks up to the bar and says ‘Hey chink, get me a drink’ and the chink says ‘I’m sorry, we don’t serve niggers here’.”
Kyle started cracking up, being Chinese the joke tickled his tummy possibly more than it would have a white man’s. In the slums, there was only the occasional, irreparably retarded Civil Protection officer walking around otherwise they came in packs of threes and fours. One of the irreparably retarded CPs walked by the van, saw them sitting there and begged to question their seating arrangement.
“Citizens, what are you doing in this vehicle?”
Thaddeus, amused, looked over sliding his right hand down between the car seat and the console, “We’re going to get my grandmother from the nursing home, they’ve been beating her ruthlessly with barbed, tobasco-laden dildos.”
“What did you just say?”
“Cheese.”
“Cheese?”, Thaddeus squinted hard, spat with his lips together amused as could be, pulling a USP from between the console and the car seat, drawing the gun on the CP while he attempted desperately to draw his stunstick or anything that would help him. It was too late, as he touched his pistol Thad’s pistol barked four loud, short blasts and on his back he fell to accumulate blood and artificial fluids.
“Oh man. Did you see that? He actually said it.”
Kyle was in a state of panic, trying desperately to open the jammed door but he knew that it wouldn’t open because he climbed in through the driver door, allowing Thaddeus to sit there while he opted for the passenger seat. He wanted to escape what would probably be a terrible situation. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“YOU JUST SHOT A FUCKING OFFICER, DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED WE ARE IF WE GET CAUGHT!?”
“RELAX! Jesus Henry Christ, come on man, I never get caught.”
“You just got out of jail.”
“For pissing in public! Who gives a fuck?”
As Kyle started to climb out the window, Thaddeus’ smile disappeared and an expression of disappointment and ire swept his face. He lifted his legs from the gas and brake and started to kick him in the ass as he attempted desperately to escape as he shouted “Well get the fuck out then you chink pussyfooting bastard.”
Kyle was replying with some “Fuck yous” and “Fuck offs” and then the Judgment Waiver sounded off and broke some eardrums. Kyle was essentially pissing himself when he heard the sound. “OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY KNOW WHERE WE ARE, THEY’RE GONNA FUCKING KILL US!”
Thad, disappointed in the silliness and general pussyfootery of his new companion saw that his new companion was no longer worth keeping as a companion and if he was to die, Thad figured it’d be best if he did it himself because if the Civil Protection saw how much of a pitiful little yellow prick he was they’d torture him until fecal matter fell from his ass. So Thad, being the gentleman he was raised his pistol and fired a good shot into the head of his former companion. Looking down, sighing for his disappearance he heard the CPs heading his way. Leaving the van and jumping on a bicycle that lacked tires he wobbled to a start and started pushing as hard as he could down on the petals and with a few seconds passage the gunfire started as did he singing.
“HE’S GOING THE DISTANCE, HE’S GOING FOR SPEED, SHE’S ALL ALONE
“ALL ALONE”
“ALL ALONE IN HER TIME OF NEED; AND HES FIGHTING, BITING AND RIDING ON HIS HORSE MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS MY STEED!”
As he started to bob his head to wailing, awful sound of his own singing he did his best to ride in a straight line knowing if he were to turn he’d eat it. Turning a corner and taking a round through the earlobe he screamed. “FOR SPEE— AGHHGHHHHH FUCK YOU GOD DAMM—” and hitting the ground he was quiet for a moment before getting up and sprinting like a Kenyan trying to catch a genie that would make him white. Panting, huffing and breathing hard he jumped, gripped and pulled himself into a dumpster and did his best to shut up with all the noise and heavy breathing and as he waited he faintly heard the stomping boots of the officers. The sound grew louder and they passed, all spare one. One smart CP.
“Keep going, I’m going to check this dumpster.”
He couldn’t rustle too much, but either way this guy was gonna peak in. So he did what any great man would do, he farted and screamed “NO MEANS NO!” while wildly firing his pistol in the direction of the face peaking in. One shot hit the metal faceplate of the CP and he wailed, screeched and tried desperately to gain his composure as he aimed and fired at the dumpster. After nine shots Thaddeus popped up and over shooting once again into the CPs chest as the other came running back. Pulling a lighter from his pocket he grabbed a garbage bag filled with paper, ripped it open and set fire to it. As the boots grew louder once again he threw it out in the direction opposite of which he came and jump out, running again from whence he came.
“OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK!” he shouted with enthusiasm and despair, turning a corner he again was struck by a pistol round in the lower lower left part of his torso and as he ran he felt blood pouring out and his cramp became something of otherworldly pain. Perturbed, angered and prepared to die he loaded his last magazine into his USP, turned and sprayed seven rounds into the quickly approaching opposition. Two of the three went down and the last one shouted, “I know who you are, citizen!”
“THEN YOU MUST KNOW THAT I AM ZEUS, MASTER OF THUNDER.” jumping from around the corner he met his pursuer face to face as he attempted to come around the corner to attack him. They bumped into each other, looked at each other for a moment before Thaddeus bull-tackled him through the abdomen, slamming the butt of his pistol into the neck piece of the CPs armor. The CP in response reached for his pistol that dropped upon being tackled, realizing this Thaddeus put the pistol to the chest of the CP and fired twice. Panting, allowing himself to drop and rest on the body of the fallen he realized someone was watching him. It was Kyle.
“YOU FUCKING SHOT MY SCALP HALF OFF YOU DIRTY PIECE OF —” and he fired again, killing Kyle, terrified.
“You must be Hercules. It’s too bad I had to kill my own son.”
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