Seven jolly campers armed themselves with USP pistols, MP7 submachine guns and their Christmas Spirit. Thaddeus Styles was the quarterback for the shindig, none of them had any idea what they were supposed to be doing and Thaddeus knew, Thaddeus knew very well what the fuck was supposed to go down. So Thaddeus starts up, “Alright you motherfucking elves we have outside a trabby, this shitty little car from some godless Soviet republic. We’re gonna pile into this motherfucker and take off with our destination.”
“With?”
“GOOD! You hear the tricky party, with. With our destination. Our destination is the trabby.”
“How does that work?”
“NOT FUCKING WELL IF YOU’RE NOT IN THE GOD DAMN TRABBY NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE AND IN THE PASSENGER SEAT ADAMS!”
Adams was seldom pleased with profanity.
“Chill the fuck out.”
This did not stop his hypocritical filthy-mouthedness. Everyone moved to the car as Thaddeus gritted his teeth, pointing at Adams menacingly with his head tilted back. Hyperbole was the means of making all of Thaddeus’ excellent points. This piece of shit was barely running and there was something of a menstrual blood stain all over the left back seat. This did not daunt Adams for he said, “Shotgun!” before getting into the car. Thaddeus ducked in and slammed the door, waiting motionlessly for the rest of his merry band of fools. “Do I get a gun now?” the girl, Rachel, asked. This caught Thaddeus sideways, he rebutted with haste.
“Look here motherfucker, assuming you have a penis. I never said you could have one of my fucking guns, didn’t you come with a gun?”
“No.”
“Then flash your tits when we need a distraction.”
“Why?”
Another question that caught him sideways. “WHY THE FUCK NOT!?”
Without further to say, they popped to a hum and drove off down the street. Now on this street were two people in blue jumpsuits as usual, walking in aimless circles with their thumbs up their ass. Thaddeus honked. They looked at him, perplexed as the motor grew louder to their position. It didn’t occur to Thaddeus that they would not move and declared to himself that if they were too stupid to move out of the road, they deserved to be run over. So he ran them over. Running them over he laughed maniacally, the passengers screamed, God grinned and Satan captured two more godless and lost souls.
“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Adams cried. Fuck Adams.
“Adams, fuck you.”
“NO FUCK YOU, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HIT THEM?”
“LOOK MOTHERFUCKER ITS NOT A FUCKING DOG AND ITS NOT CHRISTMAS SO TAKE YOUR WHINY BITCHING OUT OF THE CAR OR INTO HELL”
“What.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP.”
So they kept along the road and surely you just as well as I know that the Civil Protection were none the happier when they saw an empty bottle of beer get thrown from a speeding car. Naturally they began shooting. The shooting was promptly responded to with more shooting but wilder, to say the least they should’ve saved their ammo. Tracers going all over the place, the manic screamings of the driver and suddenly Thaddeus found the radio worked.
“Jesus.”
“I know what the fuck are we doing?!”
“We’re listening to the radio.”
Static.
“There’s a cassette tape in here.”
“What’s a cassett—”
“YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP MISS I WAS BORN IN THE MID TO LATE NINETIES”
Thaddeus put the cassette in and started listening to polka. This was a German’s car or something. What are the odds that they’re in whatever Jap shithole theyr’e in and there’s a trabby with a polka tape in. Japan.
“So what the fuck are we supposed to be doing?!”
“Shooting. Shoot more people.”
“There’s no one but regular people around here.”
Thaddeus hit the gas hard and shifted gears, speed grew, it began chugging, popping and screaming at them in tongues to stop going so fucking fast. But Thaddeus was going to fast to hear the poor thing, so they went faster. Ahead were six units armed with MP7s, Adams began firing through the cracked windshield at them and soon realized it was a bad idea because he didn’t know where they were after the glass was shattered. So Adams is firing wildly out of the windscreen, Thaddeus is in the middle of wrapping himself with an American flag whilst driving and polka’s blasting over that one girl’s screams. It was go time.
“It’s go time.”
“What!?”
“B DOUBLE E DOUBLE R U-N, BEEER RUNNNNN, B DOUBLE E DOUBLE R U-N BEEEER RUUUUUUUN ALL YOU NEED IS A TEN—”
The rest of Thaddeus’ beautiful singing was rendered unaudible as the gunfire ripped through the car, killing the girl, unfortunately Adams was alive and two Civil Protection units were dead. One was in the windshield now screaming over his voice box and trying madly to strangle Adams with the one arm that made it in the trabby. Thaddeus was not pleased by this. Adams was waving his arms around, occasionally punching the metal faced demon from the road block. Thaddeus exclaimed, “What the fuck do you want!? BITCH! START FLASHING HIM! FLASH HIM GOD DAMMIT!”
After no response was given, Thaddeus drew a pistol and started shooting into this poor bastard, distracting him from the already hard to see road and yes, you guessed it almost everyone dies (spare the already dead bitch) except for Thaddeus. Adams is lying down in the street with the vehicular intruder and the other asshole was in the front seat with his neck hanging out of the windshield.
Thaddeus got out, took their weapons, checking their pockets before standing out, looking around and skirting away as the Civil Protection down the road drew near. In the distance he could hear an APC; but that was okay. He had just gotten two MP7s and two USPs and whatever ammo came with it.
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