Browse the internet of random things, look at funny pictures to laugh and attempt to cheer myself up, Listen to music, infuriate myself with horrible drawing, try to summon the will to write a story like everyone tells me to but fail, roleplay for hours at a time, go outside and walk around in a shy attempt to find people to talk to or get something to eat or something, lay on my bed for hours on end trying not to cry

Oh, and massive amounts of MLP image staring and watching, that really helps cheer me up.

@Jigger no, i dont... I wish I did...

@Penguin People tell me that all the time... it doesnt help

My depression is getting bad, really really bad...

These past two weeks have been an absolute hell inside my mind, it races, it spins, it operates so fast my thoughts cant process... There's so much going through my head I just feel like i'm trapped in an inescapable cloud of hopelessness. every moment i'm bombarded with thought after thought of what I can and cant do, my situations that are going on, memories of friends or people i want to be friends with... just... everything...

Ive been feeling increasingly lonely, people I try and try to become friends with seem to never respond or just don't seem very interested in being friends with me... I feel ignored and hated from it, and like there's no point in me trying and failing anymore, because it seems as if i'll never win, never succeed... never have true friends. I have been manipulated, made fun of, betrayed, outcast, and treated like absolute shit my ENTIRE life. I don't even know what I do.. people will turn from someone I consider a good friend to a complete asshole out of nowhere, showing sudden and large disinterest in ever speaking to me again... People will NEVER tell me when I ask what I did so i won't do it anymore... What do I even do? I'm as nice as a person could be, a loyal friend who wont betray trust or give away secrets, i'm completely open and will not judge, no matter what the person says... I put other peoples happiness over my own, and will always do my best to cheer a person up, no matter how upset or depressed I myself am feeling. Am I too clingy? Do other people NOT enjoy talking daily to friends? Am I just a social idiot who cant understand things? It drives me crazy.... I think about it every day and i cannot figure it out! A lifetime full of being socially out-casted by people, taken advantage of for their kindness and willingness to share, being stabbed in the back and betrayed by the people who you considered your best friends time and time again... Its lead to me developing an EXTREMELY bad social paranoia where... I regard everything I do as wrong, My self esteem is as low as a persons can go, i consider myself one of the worst people to be around... because its how i've been treated my entire life. I CONSTANTLY worry, more than anything else, that the few people who I do consider my friend at the time and are actually willing to talk to me will suddenly up and leave, not wanting to do anything with me in the future... im always worrying that I will do something that makes them mad at me or lessens their opinion of me... To sum it up, I am basically paranoid about being hated by my friends. I have never been in a relationship before, where I know being in one would help me.. a lot. I feel like i never WILL be in one because I am too shy to ask a girl out due to fear of rejection, so my mind has been waiting until I KNOW the girl will say yes before I do ask... but Nobody has ever told me that they would be willing to... except for one, who said they would if they didn't live halfway across the world. I don't even care how far they are anymore, I just need SOMEONE... Someone I know I can trust and that htey can trust me, and that I know they care for once...

I feel absolutely hopeless in life from all this... I have an asshole dad who yells at me daily with extreme anger management problems and an over-controlling ego. He assumes he knows everything about me and whats wrong with me when he doesn't even have a clue based on how he acts... And hes even caused me to be sent to a mental hospital because of a particularly bad fight where he persisted and persisted and was constantly yelling at me four almost two hour... where I was pushed past the edge and threatened to kill myself if he didn't stop. My family acts like they hate me, except for my grandparents and my mom. I can't go to my grandparents for emotional things, as they are unable to help for reasons I would rather not explain right now. Mostly because i don't know exactly HOW I could explain it. The only person I CAN go to is my Mom, who is currently homeless, and has had her phone taken away.. so I have no contact with her expect for the once every week or so she stops by to say hi. I have been unable to find a good therapist for over a year now, every one Ive gone too either caring only about money or being unable to see me as much as i need to be seen (Thank Kaiser for that). Overall, I feel like the options for me anymore are dwindling further and further away.

I have really been fighting for the will to simply live anymore, It takes me hours every day to force my body to get up, I've been increasingly lazy when it comes to cleaning up after myself (Which drives me crazy because I want to, but cant force my body to, And being a bit of a neat freak and organization freak I am it really isn't a good combo.) I'm honestly to the point where I'm just starting to give up on life, if things don't change soon i'm not sure whats going to happen. I honestly am starting to lose any will left that I still have to fight with, where I want to just take the easy way out... and the seemingly only way out. I need help, I truly do, but the only way I can be helped anymore is by people being there and being good friends, ones I can talk to daily and get along with... and ones that are willing to support and help me, willing to let me vent and just be there for me like I am to all of my friends... And to be in a relationship... but... I'm not sure if that will ever happen... Because it seems any girl that I like and try to actually get the will to ask out gets in a relationship days later... I'm not sure if it's bad luck on my part or just the world toying with me. It all just seems so far fetched to even hope for anymore...

Long story short, I need help, and fast. i'm losing the will to live and fight anymore, and am seriously getting close to ultimately giving up. It's a wonder i've even lasted this long so far...

I agree with you jogzi, that seems to be a pretty decent piece of Anti Virus
I'm going to go download it ASAP!

Call me out for being an idiot, but I honestly have no damn idea how

Oh shutup deg, every computer in the house got it. And my grandmothers, at a completely different house.

It makes it so you cannot start most programs, including anti virus ones like Malwarebytes and AVG... and it tries to make you buy a fake Anti Virus program for like 70$

It also blocks you from connecting to the internet

Right, kinda made me too depressed to post a full thing at the time, sorry bout that

Dad is too much of an ass to let her stay with us... or even take one of her dogs

Do any of you know any way I'd be able to help her at all?