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UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03
Enter Password: ************
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New File Started: Private Log 0000001
Subject: Private Logs
This is my first log, I've always been meaning to write them but I haven't found the time. Being in the CCA is a great honor, and I get to do what I love: punishing criminals. I recently received a tanto from GEAR, along with a balisong. I always loved knives, I don't know why. I haven't gotten a chance to use them, but I hope to soon. I'm getting a bit more comfortable with tortures, and amputations, to the point where I'm starting to develop a style of torture. I try to cause the most pain, with the least amount of damage. That's the good part, now for the bad part.
I feel like I'm starting to fade away. I feel like I'm losing what makes me who I am, and it scares me. I can barely remember my father's voice, my time in high school, the name of my favorite college professor. Small things, but it scares me to no end. I feel things less than I did before, my emotions are starting to dim slightly... It's so hard to describe. They seem to just be less... Less than they were. I dread the day I wake up with no emotions, the day I become like a machine. I've seen Overwatch soldiers, how they show no emotion, how they move like machines. They scare me, but I can't help pity them, just a little.
So that's it for now I guess, I hope my fears don't become reality. The thing that scares me most is that if I do end up feeling nothing, I won't even care. I already live for the job, but I'd rather the job not live for me, if you can even call it living. 376 out.
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Lol, I made you those knives! :P
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Lol, I made you those knives! :P
Technically you only made me the tanto, the balisong was in stock.
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I should have charged you for it. Lol
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UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03
Enter Password: ************
ACCESS GRANTED
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New File Started: Private Log 0000002
Subject: Private Logs
I saw a recruit break down after an amputation today, first person he ever killed. 117 told him to do it, and he did, took him a while but he pulled that trigger. Afterwards he had a little breakdown, his mask hid his face, so I couldn't tell if he was crying. Strange, I was never like that after my first amputation, sure I felt guilt, remorse, but those were just passing feelings, they faded like dust in a breeze. Was I jaded before I even joined the CCA? God I hope not. 117 was there when the recruit broke down, and he just watched, feeling nothing at all, like a robot, a drone. Just that brought my fears back, that soon I'l be like him, that soon I'll lose who I am. But I've seen those people who are 01s, and they still have some emotion, from what I've seen. Maybe I won't lose who I am. I'm... I'm just tired of being afaid. Part of me wants to give in, let who I am wash away, let myself become how they shape me. But that's just a small part.
I've been doing exercises durring my off hours, focussing on remembering things, things that I forget off hand, like the street I lived on, the schools I went to, the name of my first dog. The more I practice, the more it comes back to me. I also bring back memories that stirr emotion, like a birthday party, the day my dog died, and other memories that bring back all those emotions. I think it's getting better, I can remember more, feel more, everything its better. It's like all the colors got a little bit more bold. I need to keep it up, soon things will be back to normal.
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UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03
Enter Password: ************
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New File Started: Private Log 0000003
Subject: Private Logs
Another boring day. No High Command active to promote me to 02. It's been a while now, and I'm trying to be patient but it's just so hard. The longer I wait, the more angry I get. That's a blessing in a way, at least I can feel anger. Things in the old brain are still doing fine, emotions, memories, determination, it's all there.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I decided to let a recruit beat an anti-citizen, I figure he had to get used to that sort of thing. It got to the point where I told him to stop, and he just had to have one last whack. Guess what? He killed him, beat him to death. I swear, recruits are getting more sadistic all the time. Last time I ever let one do a level 2 verdict. It's more about control than anything, you always need to maintain self control.
Also, I had a dream, which is strange, because I almost never have them. This one was... Dark, to say the least. It started with a memory, of me and my dad playing catch. We were tossing a baseball back and forth. All of a sudden I had a gun in my hand, and 040 was standing next to me, telling me to shoot my father, or face amputation. So I did, I shot him right in the chest. He was lying on the round, bleeding, and he uttered a single word before dying... "Why?" he asked, that was it, just that. I woke up in my pod with tears streaming down my face. I think this job is putting a lot of stress on me, I think I'll be in stasis a while longer, take some pressure off, but then again, I need that promotion. We'll see I guess.
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I was the RCT in BOTH of thoes situations. I was a bit saddistic because my char was almsot angry from two amputations in one day, and then from the knife wound. He just sort of lost it again. I'm planning on my char to not become more ruthless, but more professional as he get promoted. When he's 04 He'll wince at amputations, but still proform them.
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I love these, how many more are you planning to make?
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040- killing dads and breaking hearts since 2015.
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Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I decided to let a recruit beat an anti-citizen, I figure he had to get used to that sort of thing. It got to the point where I told him to stop, and he just had to have one last whack. Guess what? He killed him, beat him to death. I swear, recruits are getting more sadistic all the time. Last time I ever let one do a level 2 verdict. It's more about control than anything, you always need to maintain self control.
That is one of a few examples why RCT's should have harder applications..
They need to know how to RP and what to do, an RCT is just a man in the suit, everyone knows.
That man still has a lot of feelings, he suffers, he has sympathy etc. Yet they think they're boss and smack them because they're so washed and so controlled..
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040- killing dads and breaking hearts since 2015.
Yeah, 376 is gonna be pretty intimidated around 040 now, even though it was a dream, it still scared the fuck out of her.
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// I'll make you a knife you cant refuse
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That is one of a few examples why RCT's should have harder applications..
They need to know how to RP and what to do, an RCT is just a man in the suit, everyone knows.
That man still has a lot of feelings, he suffers, he has sympathy etc. Yet they think they're boss and smack them because they're so washed and so controlled..
I know how to RP Martiner - You just don't know my char's background.
1: He was already a hard person before he joined the CCA (Was completly fine with Level 3 verdicts, and was only slightly hesistant with level 2).
2: He had proformed 2 amputates that day under the command of the NOVA DvL (Which was some of the best RP i'd ever done.) My characer reacted the 2nd time with anger rather than remorce - He was angry at himself for doing all this.
3: The person he accidently beat to death he was angry at as well - He'd stabbed 2 officers inc himself, and two civilians. He vented all the anger of the past two days.
Additionally, it was the other guy who suggested that for better RP. I didn't go DERPDERP and fire stunstick lazers, I did one final hit and we pretended that he was killed from that. It made realy good RP, and developed my character realy well.
And finally, speaking of bad RP, 376 wanted to revive him and torture him more. We had to pretty much restrain him from doing it.
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// I'll make you a knife you cant refuse
What kind of knife?
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//The Devil: Four Feet of gleeming steel, hollowed out and filled with mercury to improve kill strength (Sense mercury is a liquid metal it'd swing a lot HARDER) BUT if four feet is too big for you, I can size it down to 22 inches
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// Let's forget that Mercury exposure will drive you insane...
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// Let's forget that Mercury exposure will drive you insane...
It's inside the knife, it doesnt leave the knife -.-
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// Doesn't have to. Any flaw in the metalworking will cause it's release.
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// Doesn't have to. Any flaw in the metalworking will cause it's release.
Who said there was any flaws? There isnt.
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// Doesn't have to. Any flaw in the metalworking will cause it's release.
Who said there was any flaws? There isnt.
Knowing you, there is.
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// Doesn't have to. Any flaw in the metalworking will cause it's release.
Who said there was any flaws? There isnt.
Knowing you, there is.
// Thats coming from the guy whom co-owns a dead community, and spends most of his time admining on DarkRP. Not to mention how many DDosers hate you
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// Doesn't have to. Any flaw in the metalworking will cause it's release.
Who said there was any flaws? There isnt.
Knowing you, there is.
// Thats coming from the guy whom co-owns a dead community, and spends most of his time admining on DarkRP. Not to mention how many DDosers hate you
// Nobody said I still co-own any community. There's nothing wrong with DarkRP, it's only the fanbase and the sheer amount of unruly servers. Also, only one person I know who i'm an idiot for assuming things's hates me, and he's long gone. So would you please, for us all, get back on topic?
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// Doesn't have to. Any flaw in the metalworking will cause it's release.
Who said there was any flaws? There isnt.
Knowing you, there is.
// Thats coming from the guy whom co-owns a dead community, and spends most of his time admining on DarkRP. Not to mention how many DDosers hate you
// Nobody said I still co-own any community. There's nothing wrong with DarkRP, it's only the fanbase and the sheer amount of unruly servers. Also, only one person I know who i'm an idiot for assuming things's hates me, and he's long gone. So would you please, for us all, get back on topic?
// Then stop going out of your way to insult me. ON TOPIC: Yes Das, I'll make you a knife you cant refuse...
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UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 03
Enter Password: ************
ACCESS GRANTED
Connecting to Network
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New File Started: Private Log 0000004
Subject: Private Logs
All quiet on the home front. 155 is the acting DvL. I haven't decided how I feel about it. I mean 155 is a woman, and you don't see that many high ranking females in the CCA. She seems agreeable to me. I hope I'm right. She took my extra knives, apparently I wasn't allowed to have them. I honestly didn't know, I thought if Grid gave it to you it was allowed, I guess not. She was nice about it though, I wasn't really in trouble. Also, I've been thinking about putting in a transfer request to Helix. They do a bit of everything which seems like everything I want. I have good ideas for Grid, and I know a thing or two about medical stuff. We'll see, it's either join Helix, or put in a transfer to Grid... Or I could stay in Apex, but Apex is kinda of boring. I think I might start cataloging my ideas in my personal logs, then maybe present them to Grid and see if they can make them. Although, I'd love to build them myself. We'll see how things go, that's all for now I guess.
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// Just wait intill you get combat training.
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// Just wait intill you get combat training.
// Oh god... Combat Training >.>
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// Of course you get let off EASY on the knives :V I love s0nic.
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// Just wait intill you get combat training.
(http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQA6t2oduTFl-Tp7qZckS8ZQnxSwODGwzBZ61lCOLmHo619evfI)
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UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 02
Enter Password: ************
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New File Started: Private Log 0000005
Subject: Private Logs
Yes! I finally made 02. After all my waiting I finally made it! I'm more important now, I can give orders. I've been pretty good about not ordering too many people around. I hope to be a good leader among my peers. What else? Oh yeah, I almost got in deep trouble. Some citizen falsely accused me of forcing citizens to commit sexual acts. What a load of garbage. At least 887 let me beat the crap out of him with a chair, then a table. Better than he deserves. If it was up to me I'd but a bullet through his head. I love this job too much to let ANYONE take it from me. That citizen got off lucky. Next time... I won't be so nice.
On an unrelated topic, it kind of frustrates me that 887 is now the OfC of Helix. I mean, we were 03s together. It was not a month ago that he was an 03. Maybe I should be happy for him, maybe not. It just frustrates me that my career is advancing at a snail's pace, but his is zipping along. Also, the Apex High Command have become a bit inactive. I barely ever see them, they're always in stasis. I think that's why it took so long for me to get 02.
There was an incident a few days ago, involving 676, and 501. I guess they fought. Apparently 501 went rouge. I'm a bit concerned for 676. He says he'll handle 501 himself, and asked me to keep it on the down low. 676 was there ever since I joined the CCA. I guess I kinda look up to him. He made it to DvL about a month or two after I joined. He seems kinda cold now, but I still look up to him, just a little.
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// New log get! The next one should be good.
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UNIT: 376
DIVISION: APEX
CLEARANCE: 02
Enter Password: ************
ACCESS GRANTED
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New File Started: Private Log 0000006
Subject: Private Logs
676 got himself killed. He told me to keep it quiet and let him handle it himself. Now he's dead! I knew it was bound to happen. 501 blew his head right off, and he's still out there. I swear, if I EVER see 501 again I'll kill him. I'll make it slow and painful too, so painful he'll beg for death, but I won't oblige him. The worst part, 676 got himself killed, and I had to tell his brother about it. 767 is his brother. Now I have to look out for him, make sure he stays alive, I owe 676 that much. Also, I took 887's new training course. It was probably the hardest course I've ever taken. 887 was very disappointed with my performance, but he wasn't that bad about it. The worst part is that 435 out gunned me, and he's an 04. I need to practice my marksmanship skills if I want to beat the course.
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// Wait what? 676 died? How!!?
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// Wait what? 676 died? How!!?
I will most likely put up a post on how he died. Just wait.
Backup Sections => 
Half-Life 2 Roleplay => Archive => HL2RP Development[ARCHIVE] => IC Chat => Topic started by: Das on August 03, 2011, 12:08:24 AM